My partner, Tina and I have been exploring the different ways to be parents. We’ve thought a lot about IVF but our PCT altered its guidelines so we can only have one cycle. We can’t really afford to pay for the rest. Lots of people say to us that if we can’t afford it privately, we cannot afford children but they perhaps do not realise that the cost of a cycle is up front and anything from £6,000. Then we have the sperm donation costs and the dilemma of who should be the father. Unlike films and stories, we do not have ‘best gay male friend’ who thinks it an honour. Life isn’t really that simple!
If we chose IVF, then we jeopardise our chances of adoption because you have to be ‘over’ IVF if you start the adoption process. We are often told to ‘just adopt’. Worse, it that it’s 'God’s way’ or unnatural as if it’s punishment for being a same sex couple. We’d like the opportunity for one of us to be a birth mother – but who gets that honour and the privilege of being mum? The law states that the other partner has to adopt!
We wonder if we did the right thing in talking about our dreams to be mothers. We felt it was the best solution as it became increasingly hard to hang out with friends who were pregnant and watch our peers have families. Distressingly we’ve ended up in an odd position where almost everyone tries to fix us.
At the moment, we are somewhat moved forward. Both of us have escaped London and moved to a small town in Cambridgeshire. It has given us space from the ‘fixers’ and we’ve made new friends who do not know our hopes. I’ve started to train as a teacher and I am enjoying watching children learn, inspiring them and finding that’s enough for the moment.