My husband and I were told 10 years ago that we couldn't have children. After attempting IVF and attending adoption meetings (stress personified) we decided to stop. Just stop. My head couldn't take anymore, my heart couldn't take anymore, my body couldn't take anymore. I was going insane. It took the Nat out of Nat (stealing a wonderful poignant quote from Cheryl Strayed). I wouldn't do that to myself anymore. That was it... I thought, my husband thought...we are done. Now we can move on. Get the Nat back in Nat!
But I couldn't... We tackled many other trials, hardships and illnesses over the years... yet the sadness got worse and began to take over. I searched in vain for support, finding a few kindred spirits along the way that kept me going. I built a strong career. It made me feel good about myself. I am a strong, intelligent, award winning business woman I would reason. It helped with the 'I'm not a real woman' feelings that would flash before me many times in despair. The numbness and the blankness. The overwhelming sadness. The career "thing" helped for a few years but really, in the end, it was meaningless.
Through this time I suffered a breakdown, endured chronic fatigue, depression and other such horrid things, and worst of all, watched hopelessly as my husband became consumed by disability. Counselling, love and faith kept us together as we learnt how to crawl out of the abyss. And yet, early in 2015, four different sets of friends announced their pregnancies. Joy of flippin joys! Now, don't get me wrong, we have wonderful friends with gorgeous and yummy children, and a delicious niece and nephew that bring us sheer joy. But this was different. This time I couldn't take it. Madness with life, the universe and everything ensued. Anger and jealousy. And in desperation I googled the word childlessness and found Jody Day (founder of gateway women) and her amazing life changing book. What a relief. I began to breathe...just breathe. Support and love and understanding and tears and hope and more understanding. She got it. Her group got it. Kelly and the Dovecote Community got it.
I took Jody's advice and went for childlessness grief counselling. I am still in the process. Still learning. Still absorbing and crying. Crying buckets... (how can I produce such an amount of tears?) Grieving.
Cheryl Strayed says 'Grief has no face'. I wish it did. That the world would recognise. We are just going to have to educate the world about Grieving for our unborn children. Our beautiful unborn daughters and sons.
I finally am grieving...allowing myself to feel it all. The horridness, the sadness, the full on crapness of it all. Honouring my dreams of our children. And healing. My life is good, my life will be good. With a deep scar that I will cherish and treasure forever.